I dette afsnit vil der være MC-relaterede morsomheder i en skøn blanding, nogen er om Guzzi, andre mere generelle.
Yderligere indlæg modtages gerne (mailes via "Feedback" knap nederst på siden).
En flok bøfler kan ikke bevæge sig hurtigere end det langsomste individ i flokken, og når de bliver jaget, er det de svageste og langsomste dyr i bagtroppen, som først bliver dræbt.
Denne naturlige udvælgelse er god for flokken som helhed, fordi den generelle hurtighed og sundhedstilstand konstant bliver bedre, når de svageste individer hele tiden bliver sorteret fra.
På nogenlunde samme måde kan den menneskelige hjerne ikke arbejde hurtigere end de langsomste hjerneceller. Vi ved, at overdreven indtagelse af alkohol slår hjerneceller ihjel, men naturligvis er det de svageste og langsomste hjerneceller, der først bliver angrebet.
På denne måde eliminerer jævnlig indtagelse af øl de svageste hjerneceller og gør derved hjernen til en hurtigere og mere effektiv maskine. Det er derfor, du altid føler dig smartere efter et par øl...
Forestil dig at du kører i England og koncentrerer dig om venstrekørsel, så møder du dette !
og du spørger dig selv; hvad er det her?
Efter nogle meter er du midt i ...
Ved du hvor du skal hen??
I England findes der 4 sådanne her rundkørsler... I midten er køreretningen modsat af hvad den plejer at være.
Det er ikke underlig at Gud har sat englænderne på deres egen ø...
eller
eller
(vedlaegges ansoegningen om typegodkendelse, hvis denne ikke indgives samtidig med ansoegningen om standardtypegodkendelse af koeretoejet)
Loebenummer (tildelt af ansoegeren): .
Ansoegning om typegodkendelse af en type tohjulet motordrevet koeretoej for saa vidt angaar stoetteben skal ledsages af de oplysninger, der er naevnt i bilag II til direktiv 92/61/EOEF:
Typegodkendelsesattest for stoetteben til tohjulet motordrevet koeretoej
(EKSEMPEL)
Rapport nr. . fra teknisk tjeneste . dato .
Typegodkendelse nr.: . Udvidelse nr.: .
(1) Det ikke gaeldende overstreges.
Dokument slut
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the maintenance crews.
Problem : Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
Solution : Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Problem : Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution : Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem : The autopilot doesnt.
Solution : IT DOES NOW.
Problem : Something loose in cockpit.
Solution : Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem : Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.
Solution : Evidence removed.
Problem : DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution : Volume set to more believable level.
Problem : Dead bugs on windscreen.
Solution : Live bugs on order.
Problem : Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution : Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem : IFF inoperative.
Solution : IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem : Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution : Thats what they're there for.
Problem : Number three engine missing.
Solution : Engine found on right wing after brief search.
This story has been told in different versions, but the essence is this:
An Italian Moto Guzzi engineer accompanied a brand-new motorcycle to the U.S. for its debut.
When he started up the bike and it began to sing that sweet, classic mechanical opera only a Guzzi can produce, a doubtful reporter asked in a snide way what that "noise" was.
After an astounded pause, the engineer blurted out in his wonderful accent, "Datsa notta noise, eetsa sound!"
We think he was absolutely right.
Herunder ses en principskitse for et "nyt" brændstof-forstøvningssystem som Moto Guzzi tog patent på i 1951. Om det nogensinde har været afprøvet i praksis aner jeg ikke.
Funktionen er som følger:
Det virker jo helt rigtigt i teorien, og er under alle omstændigheder godt udtænkt i betragtning af at der ikke har været computere indblandet. Om det dur i praksis er jo en anden historie......
Hvis du vil læse mere om dette patent kan du se hele patentskrivelsen på dansk her. (.pdf format - 618 KB)
Read and learn... (ingenting kommer af ingenting, undtagen lommeuld)
Standardmålet mellem USA's jernbaneskinner er 4 fod 8.5 tomme, svarende til 1435.1 mm. Det er i høj grad et besynderligt mål.
Hvorfor har man brugt dette mål ?
- Fordi det brugte man i England, og engelske eksperter byggede de første amerikanske jernbaner.
Hvorfor byggede englænderne dem sådan ?
- Fordi de første jernbaner blev bygget af de samme som byggede de første sporveje, og det var det mål man brugte her.
Hvorfor brugte de så det mål ?
- Fordi de folk der byggede de første sporveje brugte de samme redskaber og værktøj som man brugte til at lave kareter med, og de havde den hjulafstand.
Okay ! Hvorfor havde kareterne den specielle hjulafstand ?
- Fordi hvis man brugte andre mål ville hjulene brække sammen på de ældre engelske landeveje, fordi det var målet på hjulsporene.
Hvem byggede så disse gamle veje med hjulspor?
- De første blev bygget af romerne til deres legioner, og de er blevet brugt lige siden.
Og hjulsporene?
- Romerske stridsvogne lavede de første hjulspor, som alle havde den samme hjulafstand, og her har vi så svaret på det oprindelige spørgsmål.
Standardmålet mellem USA's jernbaneskinner på 4 fod 8.5 tommer stammer fra specifikationen på en romersk stridsvogn. Specifikationer og bureaukratiet lever evigt. Så næste gang du modtager en specifikation og spekulerer på hvilken hesterøv den er kommet ud af, så har du fuldstændig ret, fordi de romerske stridsvogne var lavet så de havde samme mål som bagdelen på to stridsheste.
Der er desuden en interessant forsættelse om forholdet mellem målene på jernbaneskinner og hestes bagdele.
Når du ser en rumfærge, parat til opsending, ser du to booster raketter på siden af brændstof tanken. De er lavet af Thiokol, hvis fabrik ligger i Utah.
Ingeniørerne som designede dem havde foretrukket at de var lidt tykkere, men de skulle med tog fra fabrikken til opsendelsesstedet.
Jernbanen fra fabrikken løb gennem en tunnel i bjergene, og boosterne skulle kunne gå gennem den tunnel.
Tunnelen er en anelse bredere end jernbaneskinnerne, som har samme bredde som røven på to heste.
Så designet på verdens mest avancerede transportmiddel er bestemt af bredden på en hesterøv.
I love motorcycles, and I love riding. Like many of you, what first drew me to bikes was not just the experience of riding, but the feeling that I'd become part of a special community—a brotherhood, really. Nothing calms me more than a long ride down the interstate, waving to the members of my beloved clan. Except when I pass Harley guys. I hate Harley guys. Hate, hate, hate. When they pass me on the highway, you know what I do? I don't wave. With their little tassle handlebars and the studded luggage and the half-helmets--God, they drive me crazy.
You know who else I hate? BMW guys. Oh, I do hate those guys. I don't wave at them, either. They think they're so great, sitting all upright, with their 180-degree German engines. God, I hate them. They're almost as bad as those old bastards on their touring motorcycles. You know what I call those bikes? "Two-wheeled couches!" Get it? Because they're so big. They drive around like they've got all day. Appreciate the scenery somewhere else, Grampa, and while you're at it, I'm not waving to you.
Ducati guys--I don't wave at them either. Why don't they spend a little more money on their bikes? "You can have it in any color you want, as long as it's red." Aren't you cool! Like they even know what a desmo-whatever engine is, anyway. Try finding the battery, you Italian-wannabe racers! I never, ever wave at those guys.
Suzuki guys aren't much better, which is why I never wave at them, either. They always have those stupid helmets sitting on top of their stupid heads, and God forbid they should wear any safety gear. They make me so mad. Sometimes they'll speed by and look over at me and you know what I do? I don't wave. I just keep on going.
Please, don't get me started on Kawasaki guys. Ninjas? What are you, twelve years old? Team Green my ass. I never wave at Kawasaki guys.
I ride a Honda, and I'll only wave at Honda guys, but even then, I'll never wave at a guy in full leathers. Never, never, never. Yeah, like you're going to get your knee down on the New York Thruway. Nice crotch, by the way. Guys in full leathers will never get a wave from me, and by the way, neither will the guys in two-piece leathers. And I'll tell you who else I'm not waving at -- those guys with the helmets with the loud paintjobs. Four pounds of paint on a two pound helmet - like I'm going to wave back to that! I'll also never wave at someone with a mirrored visor. Or helmet stickers. Or racing gloves. Or hiking boots. To me, motorcycling is a like a family, a close-knit brotherhood of people who ride Hondas, wear jeans and a leather jacket (not Vanson) with regular gloves and a solid-color helmet with a clear visor, no stickers, no racing gloves and regular boots (not Timberlands). And isn't that what really makes riding so special?
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.